Although I haven't confided in you recently, dear blog, I hope that you forgive me. My life has been hectic and I have been very busy. Although, I realized a few things in my life. Life not only isn't always far, but karma is real. A guy I met saturday, he is from Russia. He was gorgeous, with an amazing accent. I hardly knew him, and already wanted him my boyfriend. I wanted him my boyfriend because he is cute, nice but he is also not American. I don't even know one thing about him that isn't basic information... I was interested in him a lot.
I met a guy today. His name is Reggy, and he is from Holland. I can tell you now, he changed my life already. He is so sweet, and innocent. I wish all people were like that. I know I need to learn to appreciate the small, good things in life. I appreciate him, really. We spent the entire afternoon skypeing, and not once did he say anything dirty. He didn't make snide comments or any vulgarity. I was utterly amused. He treated me like a person, told me I am beautiful but didn't expect anything from me.
I realized something about myself that saddens me. I only look for people who have money, status and good looks. That is so wrong of me. Of course all of those things contribute to the big picture, but in the end I want someone who is selfless to me. I want someone who will undyingly love, care and appreciate every aspect of me.
I do look down on myself, rather often to be honest. I find the small flaws in myself. A scar here, some fat there, this isn't small enough. I shouldn't, it shouldn't matter what person that I am on the outside as long as I love the one inside. I miss writing so much, I put all the aside and did things I told myself I never would. I don't appreciate my family, clothes or home. I should though, I need to respect the people around me.
I am a beautiful person, not on the outside but inside. I feel such deep feelings for moments where I can tell someone is truly hurt. The moment in which someone realizes something awful has happened, or they did something terribly wrong. The moment when someone falls in love, and the jealousy I feel. I cry so easily, and do honestly care about people. I am begining to drift away from who I am. I am someone who wants to become something important to the world, and change it. I want to change something drastically for someone in my life. Create a moment to where tears are brought to their eyes from sheer happiness. The days I come home everyday feeling accomplished that I did something important for someone, and helped them.
I don't want a relationship. I don't want the stress, and it's just pointless when you're my age. I need to focus on school, myself and my family. Friends, popularity and money will come and go but family will always be there. That isn't something you throw away. I began to throw it away for what? I don't know. I disrespected my parents and grandparents, and I am so ashamed. I do have time to make it up. I want to fix what I have hurt. I am only at this school for 16 more days. I need to fix the bonds I have hurt or broken.
I have decided that I want to become a good person. I want to make myself feel comfortable with the way I look. I want to work out, and tone my body so that I am confident. When the moment comes that I meet prince charming, he does give me enough credit to get to know me. I feel as though everyone deserves a happy ending. I want a pure love, one not only about sex. Which is why I have decided to obstain from sex until I am married. If someone really truly loves me, they will wait. I had sex with three people already. I am so ashamed of myself. I honestly did not love a single one of those men.
I have time to fix all of this though, I don't want to be seen as a slut. I don't want to be thought of as the fat girl, or the girl whose been around the block. I don't want to be someone who will just date anyone. No, I want to be someone people say nice things about. I don't want to just be called pretty, but clever and funny. I want to be looked up to and respected. The girl that her boyfriend is proud to show around his friends, and holds on to because he truly cares for her.
Someone once told me that the feeling of loving and being loved is like nothing else. Everyone craves the feeling, but I am just a hopeless romantic. Now, I refuse to let my standards slip. I am so ashamed that I cared so much about looks. I realized that after my last boyfriend. I hardly took the time to get to know the kid, and he was the dullest human being I had met. Yes, he was well toned and tan. He was the star baseball player and had a lot of money. Although, he was dumb as a post and more boring than talking to wall paper. I look back now and wish I would have waited. I rushed into things, and it turned out ugly.
I did a lot of thinking today, obviously. I want to wait on my relationships for atleast a year. I don't want to hookup anymore because hooking up is meaningless. You feel used, abused and worthless afterwards. It's not even worth it. A simple kiss, is one thing. I don't want a boyfriend who will treat me like crap. I want one who adores me, wants what's best for me and loves every flaw of mine.
I always end up re-reading my blog weeks later, and smile to myself because I am a good writer. It's hard for me to admit, but I am. I want to really appreciate everything I have. I should be confident with who I am, and how I look. I have been told more than once today that I was beautiful, and had gorgeous eyes. That I am funny, nice and fun to talk to. You know what? They're right. Future Allizandra, you may have a bad day but think of all the wonderful things people have sad about you. There is no way to escape from the negative things people will say, it will happen. You have to surround yourself with people who love, care and want whats best for you.
You are loved. :)
I met a guy today. His name is Reggy, and he is from Holland. I can tell you now, he changed my life already. He is so sweet, and innocent. I wish all people were like that. I know I need to learn to appreciate the small, good things in life. I appreciate him, really. We spent the entire afternoon skypeing, and not once did he say anything dirty. He didn't make snide comments or any vulgarity. I was utterly amused. He treated me like a person, told me I am beautiful but didn't expect anything from me.
I realized something about myself that saddens me. I only look for people who have money, status and good looks. That is so wrong of me. Of course all of those things contribute to the big picture, but in the end I want someone who is selfless to me. I want someone who will undyingly love, care and appreciate every aspect of me.
I do look down on myself, rather often to be honest. I find the small flaws in myself. A scar here, some fat there, this isn't small enough. I shouldn't, it shouldn't matter what person that I am on the outside as long as I love the one inside. I miss writing so much, I put all the aside and did things I told myself I never would. I don't appreciate my family, clothes or home. I should though, I need to respect the people around me.
I am a beautiful person, not on the outside but inside. I feel such deep feelings for moments where I can tell someone is truly hurt. The moment in which someone realizes something awful has happened, or they did something terribly wrong. The moment when someone falls in love, and the jealousy I feel. I cry so easily, and do honestly care about people. I am begining to drift away from who I am. I am someone who wants to become something important to the world, and change it. I want to change something drastically for someone in my life. Create a moment to where tears are brought to their eyes from sheer happiness. The days I come home everyday feeling accomplished that I did something important for someone, and helped them.
I don't want a relationship. I don't want the stress, and it's just pointless when you're my age. I need to focus on school, myself and my family. Friends, popularity and money will come and go but family will always be there. That isn't something you throw away. I began to throw it away for what? I don't know. I disrespected my parents and grandparents, and I am so ashamed. I do have time to make it up. I want to fix what I have hurt. I am only at this school for 16 more days. I need to fix the bonds I have hurt or broken.
I have decided that I want to become a good person. I want to make myself feel comfortable with the way I look. I want to work out, and tone my body so that I am confident. When the moment comes that I meet prince charming, he does give me enough credit to get to know me. I feel as though everyone deserves a happy ending. I want a pure love, one not only about sex. Which is why I have decided to obstain from sex until I am married. If someone really truly loves me, they will wait. I had sex with three people already. I am so ashamed of myself. I honestly did not love a single one of those men.
I have time to fix all of this though, I don't want to be seen as a slut. I don't want to be thought of as the fat girl, or the girl whose been around the block. I don't want to be someone who will just date anyone. No, I want to be someone people say nice things about. I don't want to just be called pretty, but clever and funny. I want to be looked up to and respected. The girl that her boyfriend is proud to show around his friends, and holds on to because he truly cares for her.
Someone once told me that the feeling of loving and being loved is like nothing else. Everyone craves the feeling, but I am just a hopeless romantic. Now, I refuse to let my standards slip. I am so ashamed that I cared so much about looks. I realized that after my last boyfriend. I hardly took the time to get to know the kid, and he was the dullest human being I had met. Yes, he was well toned and tan. He was the star baseball player and had a lot of money. Although, he was dumb as a post and more boring than talking to wall paper. I look back now and wish I would have waited. I rushed into things, and it turned out ugly.
I did a lot of thinking today, obviously. I want to wait on my relationships for atleast a year. I don't want to hookup anymore because hooking up is meaningless. You feel used, abused and worthless afterwards. It's not even worth it. A simple kiss, is one thing. I don't want a boyfriend who will treat me like crap. I want one who adores me, wants what's best for me and loves every flaw of mine.
I always end up re-reading my blog weeks later, and smile to myself because I am a good writer. It's hard for me to admit, but I am. I want to really appreciate everything I have. I should be confident with who I am, and how I look. I have been told more than once today that I was beautiful, and had gorgeous eyes. That I am funny, nice and fun to talk to. You know what? They're right. Future Allizandra, you may have a bad day but think of all the wonderful things people have sad about you. There is no way to escape from the negative things people will say, it will happen. You have to surround yourself with people who love, care and want whats best for you.
You are loved. :)
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