Saturday, October 16, 2010

16 October 2010

Wow, it's been ages since I've written anything.
I need to get back into the swing of things, don't I?
For starters I have the most amazing boyfriend in the entire universe.
I love this kid!
Any who, munching on some blackberries...
Changing my blog's style to a more relaxed style!
So, I was looking around and found this blog!
I love it.
She's so adorable ahahha.
I need to start writing my book again! Much love & toodles :)
xx

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

4 August

The feeling of love is something percepted by anyone who can feel this emotion. Woman constantly are telling themselves that they're not good enough to be loved, to love or to share the feeling of love. Why is it that woman feel so bad about themselves? The thought that a man who sleeps around is given a thumbs up although the thought of a woman whose slept with more than 5 is an absolute slut. This just goes to show that the way women are looked at hasn't changed.

Woman sell their bodies, use their bodies to sell things or use their bodies to attract the same or opposite sex. A lot of woman feel as though they have to degrade themselves to feel beautiful. That they feel like they have to dress differently, act differently; change themselves to get the man that they want. Woman push themselves so hard to get the type of man they desire. They feel like they have to be stereotypical for the man to like them. The beautiful blond girl that is not very smart that's just nice to look at.

Today, I heard with my own ears that men look at the girl covered in makeup, dressed in the skimpiest dress and the highest heels before he looks at you. The natural girl, with little makeup and a classy outfit. You don't have as much attention drawn to you, and it looks as if you may be too high of a standard for him. He goes for that other girl because she looks easy, but why does it always feel like the "slut" the boys look down on always go for them. Yeah, a quick orgasm is nice; but at the same time don't people want love and compassion?

I hate the way the media portrays women. They make you feel like everyone has to be a size 2 and be blond and beautiful. No one is really what everyone looks like on TV or in a magazine. They airbrush, paint and change so many things on there. That's what every girl feels like she has to live up to, the playboy bunny look. If men didn't find them sexy they wouldn't look at it. We feel like we have to look like that but most of us don't have that kind of confidence. We want to be sexy, but when the time comes down to it you don't feel like we can be.

I struggle constantly with my level of confidence. I always worry if I look fat or ugly. What size these jeans or dress makes me look to other people. I think every girl struggles with it but what makes us feel like this? The people throughout our lives that make us feel this way. The snide comments that we receive as we grow up, and the vile things that people say to us using technology. Everyone has had something mean said to us at one point in our lives, and it hurts. No one likes to have something negative said about them, but there is no way stop it. Whether someone is jealous or that is their actual thought it's nothing anyone wants to hear.

I hate that things become so difficult when you begin to feel so bad about yourself that you feel self conscious in front of people you should never have to worry about. For example; your husband, your family or your close friends. They should accept you, and a lot of them do but some don't. Everyone has to deal with it in their own way.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

9 May 2010

It's time for me to get my priories straight. My diet starts tomorrow, and for the next week I am going to attempt at being a vegetarian.. Yeah, we'll see how that goes.. I need to lose some weight for when I do foreign exchange, I have to look perfect! I plan to start walking 3 miles a day and working out 3 times a week. I want to eat healthy and get a good figure.

I also plan to become tanner. I got this lorel self tanning lotion and it is just working wonders. I honestly look like I have been in a tanning best for at least a week. I am so happy about that. I also need to whiten my teeth.

I love who I am inside just not outside. I can always change how I look though, I have a major headache.. So, I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

5 May 2010

Although I haven't confided in you recently, dear blog, I hope that you forgive me. My life has been hectic and I have been very busy. Although, I realized a few things in my life. Life not only isn't always far, but karma is real. A guy I met saturday, he is from Russia. He was gorgeous, with an amazing accent. I hardly knew him, and already wanted him my boyfriend. I wanted him my boyfriend because he is cute, nice but he is also not American. I don't even know one thing about him that isn't basic information... I was interested in him a lot.

I met a guy today. His name is Reggy, and he is from Holland. I can tell you now, he changed my life already. He is so sweet, and innocent. I wish all people were like that. I know I need to learn to appreciate the small, good things in life. I appreciate him, really. We spent the entire afternoon skypeing, and not once did he say anything dirty. He didn't make snide comments or any vulgarity. I was utterly amused. He treated me like a person, told me I am beautiful but didn't expect anything from me.

I realized something about myself that saddens me. I only look for people who have money, status and good looks. That is so wrong of me. Of course all of those things contribute to the big picture, but in the end I want someone who is selfless to me. I want someone who will undyingly love, care and appreciate every aspect of me.

I do look down on myself, rather often to be honest. I find the small flaws in myself. A scar here, some fat there, this isn't small enough. I shouldn't, it shouldn't matter what person that I am on the outside as long as I love the one inside. I miss writing so much, I put all the aside and did things I told myself I never would. I don't appreciate my family, clothes or home. I should though, I need to respect the people around me.

I am a beautiful person, not on the outside but inside. I feel such deep feelings for moments where I can tell someone is truly hurt. The moment in which someone realizes something awful has happened, or they did something terribly wrong. The moment when someone falls in love, and the jealousy I feel. I cry so easily, and do honestly care about people. I am begining to drift away from who I am. I am someone who wants to become something important to the world, and change it. I want to change something drastically for someone in my life. Create a moment to where tears are brought to their eyes from sheer happiness. The days I come home everyday feeling accomplished that I did something important for someone, and helped them.

I don't want a relationship. I don't want the stress, and it's just pointless when you're my age. I need to focus on school, myself and my family. Friends, popularity and money will come and go but family will always be there. That isn't something you throw away. I began to throw it away for what? I don't know. I disrespected my parents and grandparents, and I am so ashamed. I do have time to make it up. I want to fix what I have hurt. I am only at this school for 16 more days. I need to fix the bonds I have hurt or broken.

I have decided that I want to become a good person. I want to make myself feel comfortable with the way I look. I want to work out, and tone my body so that I am confident. When the moment comes that I meet prince charming, he does give me enough credit to get to know me. I feel as though everyone deserves a happy ending. I want a pure love, one not only about sex. Which is why I have decided to obstain from sex until I am married. If someone really truly loves me, they will wait. I had sex with three people already. I am so ashamed of myself. I honestly did not love a single one of those men.

I have time to fix all of this though, I don't want to be seen as a slut. I don't want to be thought of as the fat girl, or the girl whose been around the block. I don't want to be someone who will just date anyone. No, I want to be someone people say nice things about. I don't want to just be called pretty, but clever and funny. I want to be looked up to and respected. The girl that her boyfriend is proud to show around his friends, and holds on to because he truly cares for her.

Someone once told me that the feeling of loving and being loved is like nothing else. Everyone craves the feeling, but I am just a hopeless romantic. Now, I refuse to let my standards slip. I am so ashamed that I cared so much about looks. I realized that after my last boyfriend. I hardly took the time to get to know the kid, and he was the dullest human being I had met. Yes, he was well toned and tan. He was the star baseball player and had a lot of money. Although, he was dumb as a post and more boring than talking to wall paper. I look back now and wish I would have waited. I rushed into things, and it turned out ugly.

I did a lot of thinking today, obviously. I want to wait on my relationships for atleast a year. I don't want to hookup anymore because hooking up is meaningless. You feel used, abused and worthless afterwards. It's not even worth it. A simple kiss, is one thing. I don't want a boyfriend who will treat me like crap. I want one who adores me, wants what's best for me and loves every flaw of mine.

I always end up re-reading my blog weeks later, and smile to myself because I am a good writer. It's hard for me to admit, but I am. I want to really appreciate everything I have. I should be confident with who I am, and how I look. I have been told more than once today that I was beautiful, and had gorgeous eyes. That I am funny, nice and fun to talk to. You know what? They're right. Future Allizandra, you may have a bad day but think of all the wonderful things people have sad about you. There is no way to escape from the negative things people will say, it will happen. You have to surround yourself with people who love, care and want whats best for you.

You are loved. :)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

21 March 2010

I have not written in so long.
I am pretty good actually, I'm watching Julie & Julia.
I love this film.
I met a boy I like.
His name is Adam, and he is just such a gentleman.
I have gained some weight :(
So diet starts tomorrow.
I had some fondue, and it was so delicious.
I don't want to do math homework.
Well, I am switching schools too.
I know I have no followers but I have some faith someone will someday.
I wish I was in Europe right now.
I want a boyfriend!
This movie is making me so hungry!
These omlettes looks delicious...
I love this film.
There isn't much to say.
I am having a party this weekend, and I'm utterly excited.
I get my license soon!
I applied for a job at Target :)
The one I used to be in love with, and I are speaking again.
Weird... haha.
I need to go to the gym now!
I'm going to bed now.
&<3;s

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

22 February

I'm feeling a lot better.
Things with my boy and I didn't seem to work out.
We broke up today.
I also saw the Diary of Anne Frank in a play.
That's all alright though because I didn't really want to go to school.
I met a new boy this weekend.
He's intelligent, charming, sarcastic and cute.
Ahhh!
Plus he plays water polo, yum yum.
We hung out saturday until four am.
I also went to a few parties, that was fun!
So i have this fiance... in Germany... nbd.
I love him to death.
We talked today and he said:
"meine aler wertester schatzi"
Meaning my most adored/valued lover.
:)
He loves me.
He's fucking GORGEOUS.
Loaded, and smart.
I'm in loveeeeeeeeee.
He lives waaay to far though but he's dead set on marrying me.
DEADSET.
I like it though :)
I bought a bagel earlier and it's calling my name.
Well, no one messed with me today.
So it was shinier for me.
Which is always nice.
I think I'm prego...
FML.
Anywho, I had better get off and let my MSN download.
Toodles.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Death

Dear readers,
Today was the day I planned to be my last day. I cried, and finally broke down. Life is a precious gift that, like many other, I take for granted. You get one life. As I sit here on my bed, and have been crying all night - I think to myself why? I have cried so much these past two months. These people have literally made my life a living hell. I have cried constantly, been so hurt and having thoughts of suicide. I sat down, and literally looked up ways to commit suicide. I did. Now, I am sitting here crying. I'm so hurt, and so unhappy - but it has to end at some point.

If sticks and stones can break your bones, then why do words generally hurt worse? I just don't understand why what someone says, can ruin your entire day. I am so upset right now, I called the suicide hotline and talked for 45 minutes. I looked up websites on why you shouldn't kill yourself, and it only made me cry more. I deleted my facebook, and I feel like I have to give up everything to get them to just go away.

The thoughts of suicide are still in my head, but there is two things holding me back. I want to live in Europe but I can't do that if I'm dead. Plus, my parents. I couldn't hurt them like that. It may not always seem like they care, but they do. They love me, and the looks on their face... I couldn't forgive myself, and I would be sent straight to hell.

So, the only thing I can do...
Dear God,
Please help me.
Give me strength.
Don't let me do this.
Give me reason to live.
Help me see the good.
Help me to not cry.
Be appreciative.
Be happy.
Please.
Amen.

<3

Let me make it through the night.
I am going to turn on Christopher Drew, and hope that all goes well.
Cross my fingers, and hope to live.
I love you.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

17 February

Weird thing about today is two of my ex-boyfriend's birthdays are today.
Funny right?
School went by pretty quickly today, because it was a late start and we had mass.
I got a tank on happy aquarium just for my jelly fish :)
Nothing exciting happened today.
It went by pretty fast and I spent a lot of it sleeping.
My nan and I got into a fight, but we're good now.
She wiped tooth paste off my face onto my towel, and like accidentally where my boob was.
It was funny at the time.
I met a new guy today!
He is so cute.
I definitely ate a whole bag of chex mix in front of him...
I have a test tomorrow, I am not prepared.
Plus a rough draft paper that isn't typed.
Yikes.
Now, I need to call my man and sleep.
Love you! xxx

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My Idealistic Children :)

When I grow up I want three children, in this order. I want two sons, then a daughter. There is a specific way I want them to be raised, because I feel like my parents never pushed me hard enough. I sort of wish that they would have taken more action in my spare time.

My first child would be named Preston Lowry. I adore that name. My second son would be Klaus. It's pronounced "kuh-luh-ow-se". I would make sure that they both played soccer from the time they were old enough to be inrolled. I would have them both play water polo, and fence. I want both of my sons to fluently speak German and be intelligent. I want them to grow up, and go to Ivy League schools. I want what is best for my children.

With my daughter, her name will be Ariella. It's pronounced "are-re-elle-uh". I'd like to inroll her in Irish dancing, and have her do competitions. This is basically tap, ballet and a beauty pagent rolled into one. She would learn German also, and have her privite tutor. I would make sure she knew how to cook and clean properly. I want her so suceed in life as well, and go to Ivy League schools too.

Monday, February 15, 2010

15 February

Sorry I haven't written in a few days, things have been hecktic.
My birthday was yesterday <3 I got a lot of money, food and candy. My diet starts today. Well, my boy is just in a shit mood. He isn't leaving, which is good for me... Now, he's all pissy and refusing to cheer up. I just had to tell him not to get snippy because I have done nothing wrong. All I do is try and cheer him up. My friend is over, she's so funny. We're watching the hangover. She has been with me legit, all weekend. Now - we're in a fight. Goodie.. Anyways, she was like going through my stuff two days ago and I died. She picked up my pepper spray and sprayed her arm. She thought it was perfume, so she smelled it. I will never forget that. I died, I seriously peed my pants. Not much has gone on, just chilling. I am officially IN love with Aaron Johnson, he is dead sexy. I am so not in the mood to be in a fight with him right now. Whatever. I want pizza, damn it. I gotta save my money for Europe money for the summer. I need a job so bad, I would sacrifice my weekends for a job and to babysit. I just want to go to Europe and get some sex god men. I am so tired of all these jerky American boys. Doug off the Hangover is SO sexy. I don't even want a relationship right now, they are so stressful. I just want summer to be here, and I want to get out of this town. I am so sick of this place. I love you all! xx

well, my boy and I didn't talk for the rest of the day. Then like our night ritual I called him, and when I asked him what he was going he told me he was thinking about me. Well, he ended up saying sorry for being dick to me today and that he should have been nice. I know it was a simple thing, but it just showed he cares. Well, talked to my parents and I get to go to England for 2 1/2 weeks over the summer! I am really excited. I am a very happy girl right now, and I get to see my boy tomorrow who said he is going to kiss me the second he sees me :)

My friend and I attempted cleaning my room today and failed miserably. Now I have all these little piles of things around my room.. My room is completely trashed. It's so disgusting right now.. I am completely obsessed with Aaron Johnson by the way. I have to get up at six and write the introduction paragraph to my Hitler paper... I am not looking forward to that seeing at its 11:15 and I still have to keep talking to my boy. He is just too cute! Well, enough about that - I'm going to bed. Nighty night!

My Perfect Man Story

The sun was finally setting as I sat down on my couch. I looked out the window to see a Monet looking moment. The colors were so beautiful. They varied from purple and pink to blue and orange. The touch of a soft hand lightly brushing against my cheek made me glance up to a beautiful tanned man. A smile appeared on my face and a kiss was put on my lips. The softness of his lips felt like silk sheets on your bed.
“You look beautiful, darling.” The British accent escaped his lips to change how the words sounded. Preston was absolutely perfect and I was never more in love with anything or anyone in my entire life. He was beautiful and made me feel like I was the most important girl in the world. I had completely surrendered myself to him and let him in completely. I never had to lie to him, and he would never lie to me. I felt like I could be completely faithful toward him and I didn’t want to even think of anyone else. A beautiful white gold five karat diamond ring from Tiffany and Company sat on my left ring finger. Sitting next to me on the couch as we watched Spain and Germany have a footy match, we cheered for Germany together. The perfect tan on his body looked stunning with his blue Ralph Lauren sweater on.
“I am the luckiest man in the world to have you. You know that you’re the most beautiful girl I have ever set my eyes on, and it would kill me to ever lose you. No girl is ever as good as you, and I don’t even deserve you. You are my princess though, and I will always be sure to treat you like the one you are.” Preston pushed my hair back behind my ear and smiled to me. He had the most beautiful white teeth and perfect smile for any 22 year old I had ever seen. I honestly thought he looked perfect. The room smelled like vanilla, and he smelled even better. I ran my hands through his light brown hair, and tugged a little to pull him closer. I gave him a small kiss on the lips and pulled back to smile at him.
“I love you.” I let the sentence flow out of my mouth. I had always had a problem with getting bored with guys and losing the butterfly feeling in my stomach. I never lost that feeling or the adrenaline of a passionate kiss. I gazed into his perfectly sculpted face and took in the details. The way his blue eyes flickered in the light and how they were the color of the sea after a storm. I noticed how when he smiled his left cheek had a dimple and his lips were a light shade of red. I loved the way his hair was short but was always placed over perfectly and even if I messed it up it still looked cute.
Preston stood up and walked into the kitchen. He was so tall, dark and handsome. I always noticed other girls looking at him and trying to talk to them. He always stayed so polite but never flirted back. He was the perfect example of a gentleman. Not only did he never curse around me, but he always held the door open for me. He had manners and my parents loved him. We shared our love of futbol and polo. We had met a few years back when I was on vacation in England. The day we met, I was only seventeen and he was eighteen. We ran around London and partied all night. We did crazy things like steal people’s lawn ornaments and running from the owners coming out to yell. The day ended in rain and we were both soaking wet. Although I looked awful, he still grabbed my chin and kissed me. I knew at that moment I loved him. We made a promise that we would stay with each other, and when I was old enough to move I’d be with him. We kept our promise, and every day until then we talked.
“Here you are.” Preston said as he sat back on the couch and handed me a diet pepsi without ice. He knew everything about me and I felt so comfortable around him. I sipped on it as I watched Christiano Ronaldo chase after the high lighter yellow ball. I leaned back onto his perfectly toned and muscular body and he wrapped his arm around me. This was such a little moment, but I was so happy.
“I want a baby.” I said in all seriousness looking up at him.
“I do too, I hope it looks like you. I’m sure you could make our child the most beautiful child in Europe.” He said kissing me on the forehead and looking back to the game.
“I want a son, and I want to name him Klaus.” I said with a smile. He smiled back and touched my hair.
“Anything for you princess.” That sentence right there is why I loved him so much. He was such a good and nice guy that he would bend over backwards for me. When I was offered drugs and things I didn’t want to do, he always stood up for me. I knew he would beat up anyone who would hurt me, and I know for a fact that he would never let me down. Preston kept every promise he ever made and wrote me the sweetest notes that just made my day.
The day of our one year anniversary he covered the room in roses and left me little notes about how much he loved me and every detailed he loved about me. The notes lead me around the house and each one made me smile more and more. I then go in to find my childhood teddy bear I loved and my favorite meal cooked for me. The entire night we watched 1980’s movies that I loved and did everything I wanted. He was as sweet as he could be. That day he also knew I had never seen a fashion show, and he took me to see one.
The match had finished and luckily Germany had victory over Spain. Preston leaned over and gave me a kiss in celebrating Germany’s victory. We were young and in love. I felt like my life was something out of a fairytale. I knew that no man could love me ever as much as Preston does. He stood up and grabbed my hand pulling me with him and we sat out on the balcony. The sun had set and the lights of London were twinkling in the distance. It was so peaceful, and the moon had come out. Preston returned with a glass of champagne and a box of chocolate cover strawberries.
“I think that God has a purpose for everything in the world. Whether it just be a single blade of grass to make an entire field become something, or a root to support a tree. I believe that God gave me a purpose, and it is to eternally love you. I believe that true love only happens once and once you find it, you shouldn’t let it go. These days so many people are only looking for sex or a quick hookup. The feeling of love and thought of a relationship only makes them cringe, and it sickens me. I love you with my entire heart, and not a single girl in the world could compare to you.” Preston then smiled to me, and my heart felt so warm. I felt so happy, and all I could do is smile. He held his champagne glass up to mine and we toasted. “There isn’t any other girl I’d rather be here with tonight.” He finished his speech and sipped his champagne. The bubbles in the glass tickled my throat as I drank it.
“You know that I feel the exact same way and I love you completely. Preston, you are my other half. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. You have helped me through so much, and I just want you to know I’d do anything for you. In my eyes you’re perfect.” I smiled and he smiled back to me. Preston leaned in and softly kissed my lips. I reached onto the back of his head and grabbed a handful of his hair and pushed my lips harder into his. I felt him smirk before he kissed me back, and put his hand under my chin. The sound of crickets and a light summer’s breeze played in the background as our romantic scene continued. The more we kissed the more my stomach dropped and I had to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. He never left me without my head rushing from the adrenaline or my stomach weak from the nervous happiness.
“The night is young baby, let’s save some for later.” He gave a chuckle when he finished the sentence and I bit my lip while taking another sip of the champagne. I could feel it starting to give me a bit of a buzz and I was even happier. The night ended in a lot of champagne, kisses and laughs. It was a good way to spend the first day of summer. It’s always nice to curl up next to someone you love. I fell asleep with his arms around my waist and face next to mine. I felt so safe and secure. I was in love and I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything change that.
A few weeks had passed and one morning as Preston was getting ready I had some news to give him. I walk into the bedroom to see him sliding on his black suit with a light blue tie. He looked gorgeous as always. I smiled and then said, those four dreaded words.
“We need to talk.” A look of concern flushed his face as he pulled the collar on his short down. He walked toward me and grabbed a hold of my elbow.
“What’s wrong love?”
“It’s not bad, but I am a little scared.”
“Okay, well tell me. We’re in everything together.”
“I’m pregnant!” I yelled with a smile on my face and handed him the pregnancy test. His entire face lit up and he smiled. He picked me up and spun me around. Before he let me back down he kissed me and smiled once more.
“I’m going to be a dad!” Preston looked so happy, he picked me up and flung me onto the bed. He put his head on my stomach and listened for a moment. Then started to joke around as if he were talking to the baby, he ended up tickling me until my eyes watered.
“I’m so happy.” I said smiling as he leaned over me. My head was rested on the pillow, and I looked straight into his beautiful eyes.
“I am too. We’re going to be parents. No, we’re going to be the world greatest parents.” He smiled to me and stood up. “I don’t want to be late, but I am telling everyone at work. I can’t wait for them.” He kissed my cheek, grabbed his bag and left.

Friday, February 12, 2010

12 February

My "twin" has her birthday today!
Well, school felt like it was going by so slow.
Now, I'm waiting for my friend to get here.
I am so sleepy, even though I took a nap earlier.
I have this song STUCK in my head!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68sBpKAWsX0
It's a gloriously good song, shone to me by a gloriously good guy :)
There is a party tonight, but I don't feel like going at all.
It's always at the same place, and always so gay!
Two more days til my birthday!
Well, my boy is getting applications and a ton of girls are hitting on him.
What's new?
Of course, he feels it's dire to tell me that they are.
Annoys the shit out of me, and he knows it!
Oh goodie, now that I told him to stop - he hasn't replied.
I am so not in the mood for this.
I was at dinner and went outside to get a paper from the car.
I started singing, loud...
Then three hot guys from inside definitely heard me...
Then felt the need to say, "you sing it, girl!"
fuck.my.life.
I hate Friday nights because they are almost always lame.
I think I'm getting carpal tunnel in my wrists from texting so much.
I totally had something to say, and just forgot.
Love when that happens...
Oh! So, this hot guy texted me earlier.
It totally made my night :)
Well, I need to go and get dressed!
love you alll <3

Thursday, February 11, 2010

11 February

Today felt like it was going by so slow.
Not only have I been carrying around the biggest headache ever, but I have a stomachache.
The light hurts to look at.
School was boring as usual, and went by slowly.
My rise of Hitler report's draft is due Tuesday, yippe.
I went to the mall today, and got a shirt.
It's so GaGa!
It's black, and a soft material.
On the side of the left shoulder its like a bow and rhinestones.
I love it with my whole heart.
I can't get hey soul sister out of my head!
That song is beyond amazing and puts me in a great mood.
Well, I am not quiet sure what I am doing tomorrow but my friend's coming over.
I am currently on Skype!
Just had some hot wings, so good.
So, my old best friend is definitely singing to me on Skype.
She's such an amazing singer and guitar player.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Friendship

Friendship. From the time that we are born we are given this gift. Our parents are our first friends. Think of life without the gift of friends. If this is truly a gift, why is it taken for granted? Who and what would we be without friends? Think back to the first day of kindergarten. The nervous feeling in the pits of our stomach, and lumps in our throats. Most of us cried and begged for our mothers to come back and get us. Then we were there for ten minutes and someone shared their crayons with you and they were instantly your best friend. You were so young, and naive. You didn't worry about what other people thought, how you looked or what was the coolest thing to wear. Most of us are raised to be ourselves and be with the ones who make us feel good.

So, why is it that when we hit middle school we start to lose ourselves? Think about it. You just wanted to "fit in". You'd go out and pay a lot of money for Hollister and Abercombie, whatever is "cool". Most of us even pushed away the best friends we could ask for, so that the "cool" kids would like us better. Why? What really made those kids "popular"? Most of the time, they are the most insecure of us all. People bully the ones they envy, or are different from them. Every single one of us has had a comment that has sent a emotional dagger into our hearts. If it was a physical comment, like "ugly" or "fat; or an emotional one, "freak" or "loser". It hurts, it really does.

As we get older, we begin to find ourselves again. People end up cliquing off, and seperating. A lot of people feel like they need to just be in a clique, and can't expand on their friendships. Yes, you may feel like at home with other people but when things get tough in your clique it's nice to have other friends. In High School people can be mean, but they mature more. It's more of rumors and drama. You find out who your true friends are in those miserable four years.

A true friend will stand by you when someone is being mean to you, and laugh with you. They would never abandon you for a party you weren't invited to, they'd spend their night hanging with you. A true friend wouldn't say cruel things to you, and not say sorry five minutes later. They may have a comment, but they would never tell your deepest darkest secrets. They would be your shoulder you cry on, on your worst day.

Like a lot of people, I have a problem realizing who my true friends are. I am constantly mixed up in the wrong crowd. I get too close to someone and let them hurt and abuse my friendship. The reason I don't give up on their friendship is because I was so close to them I pushed everyone else away. I have been through some cruel times, where I have pour my eyes onto my mother's shoulder.

Although at the end of the day, I know I always have a few people who I can call. A few people I used to really take for granted. You have some of the best people in your life and you can over look them. I believe that the moment you take something for granted is the moment you begin to lose them. It took a long time for me to realize who I can go to with my problems. A true friend isn't going to hurt you, or kick you when you're down. A real friend will comfort you when you're crying and make you laugh until you've stopped.

You have so many good things in your life, and even if you have just a single person whose a true friend - don't push them away. Don't hurt them, and don't take them for granted. They love you for you. Which is exactly what they should be doing. Don't get mixed up with people who pressure you, or hurt you. The old saying is, "treat others how you want to be treated". Honestly, you should live by that rule.

The people you're around today could be the people who rule your life later. Think about it, if you're mean to the nerdy kids who will suceed in life - they could be your boss 10 years from now. The kids who do drugs, slack off and are selfish will be the ones who are flipping burgers. Stick to the people who make you happy, and don't let the drama get to you. You have friends for a reason, every person needs compainionship.

10 February

My day was pretty good.
My best friend's mad at me, so that was a little awkward.
Well my boy got in trouble for demairets... again. haha
Nothing too major happened, I got a gooooood kiss today.
That definitely made my day like 29732847x better.
School actually went by pretty fast and the weekend is nearing.
My birthday is Sunday!
I can't wait :)
I get to go with my mom's boyfriend and pick her up from work, I'm driving.
I think we're getting pizza and wings.
I just went to the gym with my friend, and not a hot guy spotted.
That was sort of weird.
Well, except for "beautiful".
He is like a gorgeous 30 year old trainer who I think is the manager.
He is beyond delicious.
Well, I'm off to drive!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Love

Love. A feeling that everyone so desires. Everyone wants to feel loved, to love and to fall in love. There are holidays dedicated to it, movies, and books. People dream from the time they are little until they are older of falling in love. Little girls plan out their dream wedding and people spend their whole life searching. So, why do people have such trouble finding it?

I wish I knew the answer to that question, but I don't. I have always had trouble falling in love. I had it once, for two years. I never loved someone so much in my entire life. All the time I hear people asking how you know you're in love. Most responses are that "you just know". As corny as it sounds it's true. When I knew I had fallen head over heels I felt so many different things. Not only did I want him to be happier than anyone else, but I just wanted him. Of course I was physically attracted to other but never thought of leaving him. I felt so selfless for him, and I'd do anything. Now, when I look back it hurts. I had been hurt, lied to and cried over him so many times - yet I still loved him. To this day, I still love him. I trusted him with everything. There wasn't a single secret between us.

So, why did it end? My best guy friend once cheered me up with a single sentence. What he told me is one of the most valuable things I have been told. "All things end." Whether they are good or bad, they do. It ended. He hurt me numerous times, and even if I don't realize it I'm sure I hurt him too. He is such a wonderful guy, and I don't regret a single thing with him. I knew I was in love with him, and he knew it.

Love isn't something that happens over night. That is also something people don't realize. You don't just have "love at first sight". That would be attraction at first sight. People crave the feeling so much sometimes they settle. Love can also be abused if put in the wrong hands of someone. Think of it like this: Say you totally adored someone to the core. You loved every single little thing about them, and would do anything for them. They treated you terribly, and you put up with it because you loved them. They could just be abusing you, or using you. If the love isn't mutual, it's not true.

Many people have first loves, say in High School. Then you move on and have your true love. There is a difference in these. Your first one you have such an emotional attachment, it hurts to let them go. The first love is very unrealistic because you're so immature you are naive. Although, after having time to mature and see the qualities in which you want; then you can fall in love. People settle, and end up in divorce. Which is sad, but is the reality of it.

The word "love" is thrown around a lot. Love is different for everyone. Some people are scared of it, some hate it and some seek it. Whoever you are, love is going to come along for you whether you want to or not. The way I think about it is that you have to go through a lot of dunces to find your Prince Charming. I believe that with my entire heart. If you don't try than love could just fly past you.

9 February

I just woke up this morning around ten.
Well, I had to wake up at six to make sure my boy was ready for school.
The snow had covered the all the cars and the drive ways.
I plan to go sledding with my best guy friend today.
Right now I am sitting in my living room, watching Zombieland.
This movie is so weird, not only that but sad.
I don't know what I would do if it all came true.
So, the guy I have a thing with it's so complicated.
No one is home, and I am starving!

Just got back from the mall.
Everything is so cute, I could live in Nordstrom!
The pretzel guy gave me free pretzels!
I also got a free top hat, what an accomplished day.
The lady at J Box was giving my friends mom some attitude.

I'm actually writing a story too!
It's about this girl who goes to England and stays with her dad for a little.
She actually get kidnapped and falls in love.
I love to write, which is partly why I started a blog.
I'm actually thinking about starting a blog diary from a character I made.
I think that it would be fun, and I could make up any drama I wanted.
I actually think I am going to do it!
Right now!
:)

Monday, February 8, 2010

8 February

Hey there, I'm an average girl who is stuck in an awful, miserable high school in a crappy little town. I have a man in my life and he is so sweet, although nothing is ever perfect. I care about him, but of course; he's slipping away. My mom is the nicest lady in the world, but you know how kids are with their parents. My dad is a wonderful man, but he is so racist it's obnoxious.

First let me start off with, I loath my school. The word loath cannot even begin to describe the hatred I have for that place. I try to be the funny, sarcastic girl that I am - but people are just too mean there. The girls have something shoved up their arse, and it's difficult to deal with. The boys there are either so full of themselves that it sickens me, or they are just so mean spirited I'd love to hit them. My home life is pretty average; I have a mom and dad. My best friend in the entire universe is a guy, and I have my girl one who is a sarcastic bitch but I love her.

In a nutshell my life is a joke.
I can't seem to possibly ever so anything correctly. If someone could give me the answer as to why everything I do ends up in misery or embarassment, that'd be great.
My weekend was basically a joke.
Smoke weed on saturday, yeah pretty much thought I was dying. I know for a fact I was seeing penguins..
I felt like my insides were melting and I thought I was having a heart attack. I have never been so afraid in my entire life, mostly because a few weeks ago in health we did projects on drugs. Listening to the effects of drugs... All I could do was sit there and think about how I was going to die. It was awful, oh and of course I just had to be with two hot 19 year olds.

Well, my mother now has a new boyfriend. He's in the Navy and is going to do training at the end of the month. My mom was so sad, I felt awful. He has to leave the state, and that means my mom won't see him for three months.

Basically, the guy I have a thing with is leaving too. On top of that, I'm starting to get attached. It's actually kind of scaring me, but he is so sweet. I haven't met a guy who is a gentlemen like him in a long time. He opens the door open for me, carrys my books and ties my shoe for me. I am lucky because he walks me to class and always gives me kisses. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I trust him and he makes me smile all the time.

I just polished off a peperoni pizza like a pro, and it was delicious.
My birthday is on sunday, and I cannot wait!
I am going out to dinner with all my girls and eating at my favorite resturaunt.
I am going to beast those chicken wings.
:)

I have to wake my boy up in 30 minutes.
He felt as though he needed a nap, he never sleeps.
It's snowing so much today!
I think I am going to have a snow day tomorrow.
If so I can then go sledding with my best guy friend, which should be great.

I have been like super depressed lately, but right now I am pretty content. This is most likely because I have my boy on my mind. Plus my best guy friend just cheered me up. There was a lot of drama today, it gave me a headache.

Good news! I just found out a very attractive boy is now single.
I love when that happens.
Gee, I LOVE getting cussed out by my best friend.
Well, this little drama in high school won't matter in twenty year so I need to let it go.

I have to go drive, I shall write more tomorrow :)
xx