10 February 2011

Well, today is Igor & I's eight month today.

I do love him.

I do.

It's just that we're on a break right now.

I wanted to take one to be myself more.

I needed some time to myself.

A lot has been going on, and I feel like him and I always fight.

This weekend is my birthday weekend, and monday is my actual birthday.,

So I am really hoping he will do something romantic.

Seeing as my birthday is actually on Valentines day.

I needed some time to be myself again.

I just don't feel like how I used to.

I want to make sure that this relationship is what's best for me.

I want to be with him.

I want to marry him and have kids with him.

We just need to take the right steps so that we can work to make it that far.

I just want us to get along and be happy.

Not just me, but both of us.

So much drama going on at school.

Stupid ass Bria is starting stuff with me.

She threatened to shoot me, and now we have a meeting tomorrow.

EIGHT AM.

Let me clarify, that's before school starts.

Shoot me?

M'kay, thanks.

I had to stay home today for safety reasons.

Yikes, LML.

Anyways, I miss DuBourg so much.

Oh well, there's nothing that can be done about that now.

I have an hour before schools out for igor, so about 45 minutes until I need to leave.

I really got to pee.

I hope everything goes good tomorrow, I'm worried. :(

<3

24 January 2011 3:21 pm

Wow. How do I always manage to space out how often I write to you?

Well, I'm at this new school called Tower Grove.

I miss DuBourg.

Tower Grove is so damn gay.

Seriously, like everyone is either a Jesus freak or ghetto.

Inbetween that is just BORING people.

Did I mention that my boyfriend has been living with me for the passed 7 1/2 months?

Yeah.

Anyways, like I feel so damn bored all the time.

Nothing new ever happens to me anymore.

I do like the same old shit every weekend, and it is just so dull.

There's this cat up for adoption named Tabby & it's wobbly like my cat.

It is so cute.

I feel bad for it.

There's this thing called 10th life, like cats have 9 lives so its supposed to be their tenth.

Whatever.

But it's actually like sweet, for the cats.

So, these like messed up or abused cats can get homes.

It's sad because I feel bad for the kitties and want to adopt them all.

I miss writing so much.

I never get to write anymore.

I miss it, and I have like no privacy, which I need some.

I should be able to write in my Blog like a diary.

I miss those days.

I just feel like i have no privacy with my boyfriend.

He wants to read EVERYTHING & when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.

A girl needs some things to herself you know?

Anyways, my birthcontrol is all fucked up so I keep spotting.

It's such an issue.

Daddys calling so I gotta go! Write cha later.

16 October 2010

Wow, it's been ages since I've written anything.

I need to get back into the swing of things, don't I?

For starters I have the most amazing boyfriend in the entire universe.

I love this kid!

Any who, munching on some blackberries...

Changing my blog's style to a more relaxed style!

So, I was looking around and found this blog!

http://violetlebeaux.com/

I love it.

She's so adorable ahahha.

I need to start writing my book again! Much love & toodles :)

xx

4 August

The feeling of love is something percepted by anyone who can feel this emotion. Woman constantly are telling themselves that they're not good enough to be loved, to love or to share the feeling of love. Why is it that woman feel so bad about themselves? The thought that a man who sleeps around is given a thumbs up although the thought of a woman whose slept with more than 5 is an absolute slut. This just goes to show that the way women are looked at hasn't changed.

Woman sell their bodies, use their bodies to sell things or use their bodies to attract the same or opposite sex. A lot of woman feel as though they have to degrade themselves to feel beautiful. That they feel like they have to dress differently, act differently; change themselves to get the man that they want. Woman push themselves so hard to get the type of man they desire. They feel like they have to be stereotypical for the man to like them. The beautiful blond girl that is not very smart that's just nice to look at.

Today, I heard with my own ears that men look at the girl covered in makeup, dressed in the skimpiest dress and the highest heels before he looks at you. The natural girl, with little makeup and a classy outfit. You don't have as much attention drawn to you, and it looks as if you may be too high of a standard for him. He goes for that other girl because she looks easy, but why does it always feel like the "slut" the boys look down on always go for them. Yeah, a quick orgasm is nice; but at the same time don't people want love and compassion?

I hate the way the media portrays women. They make you feel like everyone has to be a size 2 and be blond and beautiful. No one is really what everyone looks like on TV or in a magazine. They airbrush, paint and change so many things on there. That's what every girl feels like she has to live up to, the playboy bunny look. If men didn't find them sexy they wouldn't look at it. We feel like we have to look like that but most of us don't have that kind of confidence. We want to be sexy, but when the time comes down to it you don't feel like we can be.

I struggle constantly with my level of confidence. I always worry if I look fat or ugly. What size these jeans or dress makes me look to other people. I think every girl struggles with it but what makes us feel like this? The people throughout our lives that make us feel this way. The snide comments that we receive as we grow up, and the vile things that people say to us using technology. Everyone has had something mean said to us at one point in our lives, and it hurts. No one likes to have something negative said about them, but there is no way stop it. Whether someone is jealous or that is their actual thought it's nothing anyone wants to hear.

I hate that things become so difficult when you begin to feel so bad about yourself that you feel self conscious in front of people you should never have to worry about. For example; your husband, your family or your close friends. They should accept you, and a lot of them do but some don't. Everyone has to deal with it in their own way.

9 May 2010

It's time for me to get my priories straight. My diet starts tomorrow, and for the next week I am going to attempt at being a vegetarian.. Yeah, we'll see how that goes.. I need to lose some weight for when I do foreign exchange, I have to look perfect! I plan to start walking 3 miles a day and working out 3 times a week. I want to eat healthy and get a good figure.

I also plan to become tanner. I got this lorel self tanning lotion and it is just working wonders. I honestly look like I have been in a tanning best for at least a week. I am so happy about that. I also need to whiten my teeth.

I love who I am inside just not outside. I can always change how I look though, I have a major headache.. So, I'm going to bed.

5 May 2010

Although I haven't confided in you recently, dear blog, I hope that you forgive me. My life has been hectic and I have been very busy. Although, I realized a few things in my life. Life not only isn't always far, but karma is real. A guy I met saturday, he is from Russia. He was gorgeous, with an amazing accent. I hardly knew him, and already wanted him my boyfriend. I wanted him my boyfriend because he is cute, nice but he is also not American. I don't even know one thing about him that isn't basic information... I was interested in him a lot.

I met a guy today. His name is Reggy, and he is from Holland. I can tell you now, he changed my life already. He is so sweet, and innocent. I wish all people were like that. I know I need to learn to appreciate the small, good things in life. I appreciate him, really. We spent the entire afternoon skypeing, and not once did he say anything dirty. He didn't make snide comments or any vulgarity. I was utterly amused. He treated me like a person, told me I am beautiful but didn't expect anything from me.

I realized something about myself that saddens me. I only look for people who have money, status and good looks. That is so wrong of me. Of course all of those things contribute to the big picture, but in the end I want someone who is selfless to me. I want someone who will undyingly love, care and appreciate every aspect of me.

I do look down on myself, rather often to be honest. I find the small flaws in myself. A scar here, some fat there, this isn't small enough. I shouldn't, it shouldn't matter what person that I am on the outside as long as I love the one inside. I miss writing so much, I put all the aside and did things I told myself I never would. I don't appreciate my family, clothes or home. I should though, I need to respect the people around me.

I am a beautiful person, not on the outside but inside. I feel such deep feelings for moments where I can tell someone is truly hurt. The moment in which someone realizes something awful has happened, or they did something terribly wrong. The moment when someone falls in love, and the jealousy I feel. I cry so easily, and do honestly care about people. I am begining to drift away from who I am. I am someone who wants to become something important to the world, and change it. I want to change something drastically for someone in my life. Create a moment to where tears are brought to their eyes from sheer happiness. The days I come home everyday feeling accomplished that I did something important for someone, and helped them.

I don't want a relationship. I don't want the stress, and it's just pointless when you're my age. I need to focus on school, myself and my family. Friends, popularity and money will come and go but family will always be there. That isn't something you throw away. I began to throw it away for what? I don't know. I disrespected my parents and grandparents, and I am so ashamed. I do have time to make it up. I want to fix what I have hurt. I am only at this school for 16 more days. I need to fix the bonds I have hurt or broken.

I have decided that I want to become a good person. I want to make myself feel comfortable with the way I look. I want to work out, and tone my body so that I am confident. When the moment comes that I meet prince charming, he does give me enough credit to get to know me. I feel as though everyone deserves a happy ending. I want a pure love, one not only about sex. Which is why I have decided to obstain from sex until I am married. If someone really truly loves me, they will wait. I had sex with three people already. I am so ashamed of myself. I honestly did not love a single one of those men.

I have time to fix all of this though, I don't want to be seen as a slut. I don't want to be thought of as the fat girl, or the girl whose been around the block. I don't want to be someone who will just date anyone. No, I want to be someone people say nice things about. I don't want to just be called pretty, but clever and funny. I want to be looked up to and respected. The girl that her boyfriend is proud to show around his friends, and holds on to because he truly cares for her.

Someone once told me that the feeling of loving and being loved is like nothing else. Everyone craves the feeling, but I am just a hopeless romantic. Now, I refuse to let my standards slip. I am so ashamed that I cared so much about looks. I realized that after my last boyfriend. I hardly took the time to get to know the kid, and he was the dullest human being I had met. Yes, he was well toned and tan. He was the star baseball player and had a lot of money. Although, he was dumb as a post and more boring than talking to wall paper. I look back now and wish I would have waited. I rushed into things, and it turned out ugly.

I did a lot of thinking today, obviously. I want to wait on my relationships for atleast a year. I don't want to hookup anymore because hooking up is meaningless. You feel used, abused and worthless afterwards. It's not even worth it. A simple kiss, is one thing. I don't want a boyfriend who will treat me like crap. I want one who adores me, wants what's best for me and loves every flaw of mine.

I always end up re-reading my blog weeks later, and smile to myself because I am a good writer. It's hard for me to admit, but I am. I want to really appreciate everything I have. I should be confident with who I am, and how I look. I have been told more than once today that I was beautiful, and had gorgeous eyes. That I am funny, nice and fun to talk to. You know what? They're right. Future Allizandra, you may have a bad day but think of all the wonderful things people have sad about you. There is no way to escape from the negative things people will say, it will happen. You have to surround yourself with people who love, care and want whats best for you.

You are loved. :)

21 March 2010

I have not written in so long.
I am pretty good actually, I'm watching Julie & Julia.
I love this film.
I met a boy I like.
His name is Adam, and he is just such a gentleman.
I have gained some weight :(
So diet starts tomorrow.
I had some fondue, and it was so delicious.
I don't want to do math homework.
Well, I am switching schools too.
I know I have no followers but I have some faith someone will someday.
I wish I was in Europe right now.
I want a boyfriend!
This movie is making me so hungry!
These omlettes looks delicious...
I love this film.
There isn't much to say.
I am having a party this weekend, and I'm utterly excited.
I get my license soon!
I applied for a job at Target :)
The one I used to be in love with, and I are speaking again.
Weird... haha.
I need to go to the gym now!
I'm going to bed now.
&<3;s